How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows - A Marriage of Science & Romance
March 18, 2019 , PLANNING RESOURCES
You have decided to do away with tradition and elope or have an intimate wedding. But what about the vows?
While eloping doesn’t require the composition of personal vows, many couples who decide to elope are doing so because they want a more intentional and authentic way to wed. A way that is completely true to them. Just as a traditional wedding day didn’t feel right, traditional vows may not either.
Writing your own vows gives you the chance to imbue your wedding day with more meaning. And, perhaps most importantly, gives you the opportunity to make promises to your partner that actually matter to you and your relationship. Your vows will likely be the most significant and most difficult accumulation of words you ever write because these are the words you will be uttering in the very moments before you take that leap into married life (talk about pressure!). The good news is that there are ways to make the process easier, and maybe even enjoyable.
Composing your own vows is a beautiful, intentional way of commencing life with your best friend. Use the tips below to write vows that are poetic, profound, and above all else, representative of your relationship and the future you plan to build.
Should You Incorporate Traditional Elements?
One thing to consider when thinking about vows has to do with the type of ceremony you are planning. Certain religious ceremonies require you to recite specific traditional vows. Some will allow you to complement the traditional portion with your own personal vows, but it is important to check with your officiant in advance. Even if you are not having a religious ceremony per se, you may choose to incorporate elements of traditional vows into your own for cultural or personal reasons.
Together or a Surprise?
The first step of actually writing your own wedding vows is deciding whether or not it will be a team effort. Will you and your partner be sitting down to write them together? Or will each of you write them as a surprise for the other on your wedding day? Both methods yield heartfelt moments so it really is a matter of what feels best for your relationship.
If you opt to write them together, the process of formulating them becomes an opportunity to gain more understanding and deepen your love. You can decide together what promises are most important for the longevity and happiness of your relationship. Doing this can sometimes cause differences of opinion, or even values, to surface. Just remember, you won’t always be perfectly in sync with your partner (nor should you be, you are unique individuals after all!), but acknowledging where there may be gaps in your understanding can bring you that much closer to respecting and appreciating each other for who you are. And this ability to appreciate each other’s differences is a characteristic of an enduring relationship.
The Romance Part
Vows are by their very nature romantic. Even if you’re not typically the lovey dovey type, you may find that that romantic bone you didn’t think you had makes itself known when tackling the vow writing process.
Start by paying attention to your partner’s little quirks (the cute ones, not the annoying ones 😉 ).
- What tiny, seemingly insignificant behaviors and characteristics does your partner possess that you just love?
- Think about when you first met. What was it that caught your eye and when did you decide that you loved this person?
- And why are you still in love with this person?
- If you could have only one character trait of you partner’s, what would it be and why?
- When do you feel most loved by your partner?
- Recall one of the times you were proud of your partner.
- What is one of the wildest, most adventurous things you have ever done with your partner?
- Think about the promises (both broad and specific) that you want to make to your partner and your relationship, but make sure you can keep them.
These prompts can provide the raw material for some really heartfelt and authentic vows. And don’t forget to take inspiration from everywhere. From your favorite poet (mine just happens to be Neruda), to classical literature, to a favorite movie, inspiration is all around. To get you started here are some of my very favorite sites for vow inspiration:
And for even more inspiration, here’s an excerpt from The Little Paris Bookshop by Nina George that really speaks to me:
“When the stars imploded billions of years ago, iron and silver, gold and carbon came raining down. And the iron from that stardust is in us today-in our mitochondria. Mothers pass on the stars and their iron to their children. Who knows, Jean, you and I might be made of the dust from one and the same star, and maybe we recognized each other by its light. We were searching for each other. We are star seekers.”
Pretty romantic, huh?
The Science Part
I’m a sucker for evidence-based anything, vows included. Luckily there is a whole field dedicated to the study of romantic relationships. So if you love science as much as I do, you may want to take these research-based wedding vows to heart.
In an article written for Psychology Today, Samantha Joel, Ph.D. lays out a number of wedding vows that she composed with her partner in hopes of achieving long-term marital bliss. These promises are based on decades worth of research into the practices, values, and beliefs that lead to a happy and successful union. Their promises address behaviors such as: striving to see your partner in a positive light (and not dwelling on imperfections), recognizing and protecting your partner’s autonomy, vowing to sensitively meet your partner’s needs, and serving as a secure attachment figure, as well as being committed and expressing gratitude.
I encourage you to go take a look and if they speak to you and your relationship, consider adding them in some shape or form into your own ceremony.
What to Do If You Get Stuck
Writer’s block isn’t unusual. These are important words and it only follows that some of them may take longer to come than others. Thankfully, there are certain things you can do to help get (and keep) those creative juices flowing.
Choosing a quiet and relaxing environment where you can truly focus helps. So go ahead and grab a cup of tea or coffee, a glass of wine, or a dram of whiskey, any beverage that helps you feel warm, fuzzy, and RELAXED. Yes, you will use your brain to compose your vows, but this is the stuff that comes from your heart and for that you’ll have to do some feeling as well.
Begin by jotting down notes. These don’t have to be perfectly formulated ideas from the start. It’s more than okay to scribble down phrases, or even just words, to get the gears turning. Lists work especially well at this point. You might consider starting with a list of things you absolutely love about your partner (the kind of stuff you just couldn’t do without), as well as a list of promises you want to make to both your partner and your relationship. Getting it all outlined this way gives you a framework for the more complete thoughts and phrases that will follow.
This doesn’t all have to happen in one session. Just writing down ideas and then giving yourself some time to walk away from it (go on a hike!) for a while provides your brain with the downtime it needs to boost creativity. Research suggests that breakthrough thinking occurs most often when you let your mind wander and your imagination roam. So give yourself (and your subconscious) time to dig deep and experience the process.
Of course this doesn’t mean that you should procrastinate! The beauty of starting on your vows early is that there will still be plenty of time to take breaks and let your creative juices ebb and flow, without the added pressure of an impending deadline (unless you’re particularly good at working under pressure!). You can take your time and give your vows the attention they deserve. One of my favorite things about elopements and intimate weddings is that you can really let loose and make these vows true to you as a couple, without fear of what others will think. Remember, you’re writing for your partner and your relationship, not anyone else.
No Need to Memorize
You don’t have to memorize your vows! I mean, you can if you want (you do you!), but you certainly don’t have to.
I love the idea of writing them down in the cover of a cherished book, maybe something with some significance to your relationship. You can then gift it to your partner after the ceremony. There are also beautiful vow books that are made to serve as keepsakes. There are so many out there, you’re sure to find something that feels like you and your relationship. Searching for handmade leather journal turns up some really lovely ones like this one. If you and your partner love travel and adventure,this one may perfectly embody the current of wanderlust that runs through your relationship. Seriously, there’s something out there for everyone.
The anatomy of a wedding vow includes a declaration of love, promises that you will make to each other and for your future, and your own personal and meaningful touches. If done right, you are left with the very essence of your relationship, that is what is most important to you as a couple, and how you both tick together.
Your vows then become a roadmap for how you will live life as a married couple. They are reminders of what matters most when life gets complicated, and they serve as a guide for keeping your marriage on track when things get tough.
P.S. – Did you know that when dogs get married the promises they make to one another are called bow vows? If not, there’s so much more information I can also impart, so feel free to reach out 😉